drowning in self loath yet again..
juz as a fren managed to make me feel better about myself, another closer fren succeed in making me hate myself..
mayb should not have agreed to ANY group cosplay...now, everything became my fault.....ppl not getting ready, my fault...ppl last min drop-out of the plan, i'm the cause? and 1st, was kinda being asked to leave the group, cuz i havent even ordered/prepared anything yet.....later, she says tat i abandon her/the group...how nice~

mayb frm long ago, she didn't wanna hang out wif me already, juz tat her other frens didn't have time to accompany her, thus she's still sticking ard, now tat some of her frens are back, she needs an excuse to kick me away....
but than again, i have pulled myself out, so y does she have to make it all sound as if it's my fault??
i do not understand, i really don't.....

and i'm wondering something else.... mayb i should not bother the fren who helped me feel better about myself...cuz i'm more likely to become a annoying pest to him sooner or later...yea...fren who chats wif me very often, well, often end up hating me for some reason.....

i still wanna go prawning, try fishing, etc etc....and so far, even if he dun mean it, at least i've something to look forward to...even if it's false hopes, they are still something for me to look forward to....but, i'm scared tat i'll all disappear really soon......

dunno when it started, but i'm becoming something i hate, in the past, i'll feel anger, hate, despise, but not to cry no matter wad  feel...for it is a sign of weakness...when have i become so mentally and emotionally weak?? it's so unlike me, is this wad i was originally?? b4 i built those thick walls of defense??

once again, i ended up spamming my fb, talking to myself..
think there might be another disorder i'm suffering frm other than bi-polar and BPD...jzu need to find out wad tat is...and it appears tat my unstable mental state runs in my blood...so, yea, dun think even the doc would have a cure any ways..

New low

Splitting headache..sore and aching neck and spine..and wif ppl sounding like they wish I was dead..yea...it was nice to know SO many ppl regret knowing me~ ^^

heading back home to watch TV!!!!
yea~ CSI and Bones!!!!!
and IE crashed on me, so i cant do my work frm like, 1 hour ago?

look! i have mustache!!! 

yea, and here are some photo frm today slacking moments~ xDD

When having a fight mentally within the mind, no one can ever win against the twisted psycho side...

Juz as how they can't win against me..

gosh, i'm feeling soooo light headed.....so hard to focus.....and it's about 3 more hours till i end work...
yea..think i'm having one of those STASD thingy...

frankly speaking, is it really possible for someone who have personality disorder to find happiness??
do people even believe in such thing??

i talk about this in my facebook, saying stuff like i have this disorder, knowing ppl wont bother (tat is y i dare to post). but how many actually knows wad i'm saying are true? i post nonsense, but never lies..yea..

never was gd wif words, even though i kinda have lots to say here, but..kinda speechless now tt i'm blogging already..

i wonder if ppl notices the different personalities i have, but than again, noone ever bother~
even though we have our own character, our own ways of talking, our own way of thinking, but we are one and the same! how weird can human mind be? and even sometimes among the same group of ppl, suddenly another persona took over, it seems noone ever noticed..

if curing this disorder meaning i'll be able to find a guy who likes me, than i rather not..for they are the ones who have been wif me for so long, and thx to them, i manage to live this long..IF there really is a guy meant for me, he should be able to accept all of me, and i guess as a bonus, he can sometimes feels like he's dating diff gal even though the face is the same..

after a very long break, 

here i am, i mean, my camwhore pics are back!!!!

yea~~ tat's wad boredom does~ xDD 

i.must.be.crazy!!

yep, juz posted something REALLY crazy on fb~~
and to most, it would seems like a joke, but actually, i'm quite serious about it..

kinda need to earn xtra cash for april's trip for family holiday~~
and, being the lowest paid in the family, i have to pay my own share for the tix and etc etc, so, i've to find some other ways to earn tat Xtra $$~~

dun think i would have any reply on tat, damn!
will try to think of something else in the meantime...

Gore-rified my valentine

Paint those blood roses black, for crimson it may be, it does not convey how dark love might be...

Pick some stars off the violet sky, engrave it deep into skin if both U and I, for it is said nothing last forever, at least now, it'll last as long as we do...

Pave the path with petals and thorns, bare feet, we shall walk down tat very path, leaving behind our bloody foot prints, fade in time it will, at least those scars we bare remains...

Forever remembered~

The music industry recently lost 2 really great female voices, one is Whitney Houston, another is hat songstress, 凤飞飞 (Feng Fei Fei)....
Both songstress, extremely talented, yet their death...sigh...

Anyways, I'm kinda still down wif fever, so not gonna to too long winded..

Mayb I'll blog about how my V day went tml nite~

Edited pics~

Yep~
Edited 2 of my pic frm thur's photoshoot~~ ^^

i wonder how would yesterday's photoshoot's pics turn out?
it was many many 1st time all piled into just one day!!

my 1st time to Santosa wif frens (my very 1st and only time there was wif my sch more than 10 years back)
1st time exploring almost the entire Fort Siloso!!!
1st time boarding Trams, 1st time to panawan beach (think tat's how to spell it's name, the one where Tanjong Beach Club is located), 1st beach shoot, 1st bikini shoot, 1st nite shoot IN the pool~~
1st time being so-called "lead model", 1st time having ppl helping me wif my stuff quite alot (almost more than 90% of the time i dun have to carry/drag my heavy over-packed luggage =p)
and 1st time i've a ride back home after a whole day of tiring shoot~~ ^^

Tired!!!!!

Yea, body felt like i've done some serious exercising during yesterday's shoot!!!
Was really fun, and we shot out of theme halfway through the shoot~~
And did some nite swimming at TBC, located somewhere near panawan beach I believe....
Here are very few teasers I on how it was like~

addicted!!

new found addiction = PHOTOSHOOT!!!

doin gothic theme shoot again tml!! (somehow, all prev gothic theme didn't turn out well. Hope tml's shoot, wif the help of some background music, will be the best so far~)

and might have another shoot end of this mth..HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAA

my depressant = work, my anti-depressant = photoshoot+hanging out wif frens!!!!

photos frm my private shoot sometime back (the hotel shoot)
so far only these 2 photos are out, the rest, the photog is still editing them~~
might be planning another similar shoot, tat depends on when the photos is free again~

weeeeeee~~
done the speed test thingy for my office's network~

and this is the result~
(i dun game, juz fb and work stuff, so i guess it's kinda more than enough~)

恐い、ジブの気持ちいが恐いよ…

I'm kinda starting to miss someone, but can't admit it...on one side, I do not wish either of us to become a rebound for another...and the other reason would be, someone of his status, a nobody like me, will never ever catch his eye...

Lols~
Anyways, goin for check comin thur, 9 feb, hoping to find out if there's anything wrong wif me...

am i cursed??

sometimes, i think i'm cursed..
when i work in a place for Almost 1 full year, i'll get sick, really sick, BUT not sick enough to be hospitalized or something..juz ill enough to annoy the hell outta myself

1/2/12, the day 2 became 1

Sure as the rising sun,
May their days be filled wif bliss.
Sure as the stars in the nite sky,
May their nites be blessed wif peace.
May happiness be upon them always, juz as heaven is always there above.