drowning in self loath yet again..
juz as a fren managed to make me feel better about myself, another closer fren succeed in making me hate myself..
mayb should not have agreed to ANY group cosplay...now, everything became my fault.....ppl not getting ready, my fault...ppl last min drop-out of the plan, i'm the cause? and 1st, was kinda being asked to leave the group, cuz i havent even ordered/prepared anything yet.....later, she says tat i abandon her/the group...how nice~

mayb frm long ago, she didn't wanna hang out wif me already, juz tat her other frens didn't have time to accompany her, thus she's still sticking ard, now tat some of her frens are back, she needs an excuse to kick me away....
but than again, i have pulled myself out, so y does she have to make it all sound as if it's my fault??
i do not understand, i really don't.....

and i'm wondering something else.... mayb i should not bother the fren who helped me feel better about myself...cuz i'm more likely to become a annoying pest to him sooner or later...yea...fren who chats wif me very often, well, often end up hating me for some reason.....

i still wanna go prawning, try fishing, etc etc....and so far, even if he dun mean it, at least i've something to look forward to...even if it's false hopes, they are still something for me to look forward to....but, i'm scared tat i'll all disappear really soon......

dunno when it started, but i'm becoming something i hate, in the past, i'll feel anger, hate, despise, but not to cry no matter wad  feel...for it is a sign of weakness...when have i become so mentally and emotionally weak?? it's so unlike me, is this wad i was originally?? b4 i built those thick walls of defense??