Wish to fade away

I'm tired? Yes, very very tired..
Being brought up in the family i was born in, guess being self destructive was predestined..

Parents who are suppose to love their children, but somehow, mine hate me..
Most times i simply get by day, at times, even seconds seems to drag by and my day juz seems never-ending......

Well...guess wad i wanna say is, i kinda am getting close to my limit...there's only this much shit i can take...there's only so much hurt i can bare..

How i wish my time would come, sooner, sooner...
That i do not have to wait for another 3-5 years b4 death comes to claim my condemned soul...

Beloved death, forgive me for my weakness..living is simply so hard w/o u ard me...the pact we made, i'm trying hard to honour...But Dearest Beloved Death, come for my soul, the sooner the better..for u are the only one whose love felt more real, more gentle, more warm than any other i've been given and shown..

Oh how long has it been? Since i last felt ur embrace..i long to see u omve again..and this time round, we shall lay in the depth of the freezing abyss, making sweet love for the rest of eternity, as i shall be the very last soul u claim frm the land of the living...

Ph0t0s~~ 28 jul 12!!

Stayed home and made a yukata for kamikawa using jeans material~

And today did a Mini costest for oct shoot...

My wkends...shag max!!!!

Yep~
sat went natsu matsuri wif frens, and due to the fact that i'm in yukata and using iphone (meaning i'm nowhere to hide my phone as it's too big), i didnt have any photos avail...
Was kinda cool~
and i missed the bon odori!!!! sadded.....

Anyways, the 4 pix are for sun's event at nee ann poly....wanted to stay for the after party, but decided not to due to #1, i was SUPER hungry cuz last meal was my breakfast which was like 11+ am...and after party starts at 7pm....
#2, i was ALL ALONE!!!! Yep, no one accompany me, thus rather not stay cuz not fun to dance alone, not like it's clubbing or my goth events...those i can go all by myself....

Anyways...gotta focus more on work now...shag max after rushing those yukata out..am personally very unhappy wif the quality....must be possessed, if not, i wonder y did i agree to help tailor those!!!

burnout, yet again

shallow breaths / breathlessness..
gastric / stomach constantly twitching or cramping, or at times, both happening together..
light headed / dizzy spells..
constant headache...oh, and on&off fever every now and then......

guess recent stress has been giving me some problems yet again....thx to the useless helper who WAS suppose to be my assistance....and ended up doin nothing but adding my workload since few mths back till now....

wad can i do? world's unfair....she's slim and have a obviously better skin than me....guess that's all that counts yea? and she is a darn gd actress.....
while i cant be bothered to pretend, thus, i can gain no pity and always have to be the one who gets blame and carry all the load over on my shoulder.......

my gastric has been affecting my appetite, which in-turn, worsen gastric condition (and the cycles continues)....well, guess this is such the work of fate and destiny....
such is my fate, to carry upon me the bad karmas even when i might not be deserving it, it somehow became natural......

31/7/2012

dreams are dreams, nothing but a small short indulgence in one's sleep
dreams are dreams, nothing but a lived out sin, impossible in reality
to dream, to wish, to hope, to pray
for something, for a miracle, for a little love and joy in life
for the long lost innocent to return, for the unwanted memories to be gone
for those happy times to rewind itself, for those once close frens to come back
for all these despair to go away, for the once genuine smile to return once again...

IT IS NOT FAIR!!!!!

Ppl thinks tat I laugh and smile means tat I'm under ZERO STRESS is it?
I'm currently suffering frm hair lost, dandruff, breakouts on my finally stabilised skin (and may I add it NOT only on my face, I have breakout on my back and arms and literally all over my body), and not forgetting binge eating!!!!!
Think I should shut the fuck up? Mayb I should!!!
If not the injustice will simple continues...
I'm bloody sick and tired of everything CAN!?
For ppl who dun do most her job getting the same, or even more, benefits as compared to those to ACTUALLY does their job....
I DO NOT wanna start a shitstorm on that, and I do like my current workplace, but, how long can I keep this up?
I'm infamous for my foul temper and attitude, and so far, I'm behaving and controlling myself pretty well....and I'll have to say, EVERY FUCKING PERSON HAVE A LIMIT!!!!!
I do not wanna spoil the working environment, thus I'm behaving like a fucking crazy bitch laughing like nobody business....I pray the day when I go work everyday wif my fucked up shitty face will never come....

Sigh..

A fren asked if I wanna join her for a hotel BFT shoot in sept, If she manages to book the hotel tat is, I was like if it's on a wkend, sure~

But than comes the emo part, the part which u clearly knows the photogs are not interested in shooting u at all, and they are not keen to upload ur pic as well...so, to go for the shoot juz for fun joy and laughter and knowing u won't have much photos? Or reject the shoot in all and mayb do something else at home?

Was scrolling through fb newsfeed, and guess wad I saw?

One of my fren was tagged in his photo...at MBS...
And juz incase anyone's wondering, the "his" here is referring to the VIET guy.....he who I had a crush for so long, he whom I tot we could be frens forever if not a couple, he who had to look so unwilling when he takes pic wif me, he who I suspected had a crush on my close fren tat's y he was close wif me...

But wadeva, guess life juz keeps getting better, everytime I tot I was over him, something comes up and mixed up all my thoughts and emotions once again...

Afternoon heat is a killer!!!
Other than the stress at work, it's the other thing which never fails to give me a headache....
Well...time for my afternoon nap b4 the headaches starts again~

Cosfuck yet again!!!

Yep...
After 2 years of being inactive in cosplay scene, decided to make an effort to do a gd job this time round....
But guess I ended up failing BADLY again...self made weapon, tailored dress, and 90-120min of makeup...still cos-fuck.....
Y is it tat it looks alright b4 heading out, but became totally fail during event itself!???!!!!?

*cries*

Hai~
moshi moshi~
Yui desu~

Mayb the one that guys like is actually onee-sama desu...she is the independent, non-clingy, non-annoying type...while I'm the total opposite..>_<
Mayb should revert things back to how it used to be...back to the days whereby I belong solely to her....

I kept saying that I wanna date, at least once, in my lifetime....mayb one fine day, after I forget about all these, I shall go on a date wif my onee-sama~~ ^^

ありがとうケイお姉様~ ^^

hai!!!
yui desu~~ ^^

onee-sama wanted me to start stating names when we blog using her blog...(cuz we are all too lazy to create our own~ xp)
anyways~ even though she agreed to let me like the guy i had a crush on...
but she tend to get angry when i starts to emo cuz i miss him too much...
and she dun trust that guy...(she dun trust MOST guys actually...>_<)

sooo...dunno wad should i do....cuz i'm kinda feeling left out these days as well...
me and him dun share much mutual frens, even those mutual frens, none of them know wad's goin on...and he's like always not free...his wkends are for his frens or for work..it's sweet of him to come have dinner wif me when ever he ends work early...but i'm starting to want more.....

NYAAA!!!!! me dun like this feelings!!!! it's like me is becoming selfish...dun like!!!

Nya!!!!

She finally agreed to not stop me frm liking that guy, but now, it seems he became uninterested in me already!!!
>_<
But sometimes I wonder....those who tell me they like me, which me are they referring to????
Wonder if it's the strong willed independent side or is it this annoying cat...hmmmmmm....
I guess no one will ever knows...cuz this is something no one would ever believe in....
Who would have thought that the mood swings are sometimes juz the work if another split self~? ^^
Guess I annoyed her too much till she agreed to not interfere..but wad if the one he liked was her instead of me??? O.O
Haha~ guess she'll juz say she told me so~ even knowing she meant well, cuz when I get hurt, it's the same for her as well...guess tat's y she tend to be slightly over protective of me~
Let's hope that even if I do get hurt again this time, at least I won't worry her so much~ ^^
But it's kinda hard to hide things frm her when we are actually sharing the same mind same body an everything... >,<
Nya!! Haha!!!
Blogging when I'm suppose to be working!!! Gtg~ xp

updated my DA~!!
http://kuro-laviakay.deviantart.com/
having a hell of headaches these days, and i should be helping my fren to sew a dress for her up coming shoot (yep, while i know nuts about dressmaking)

game? i'm not interested~~ ^^

yep~~
if liking someone, and being in a relationship is nothing but a game to anyone, i'm sorry, can u get lost???

yep~~ i'm totally not interested in flings and games, say i'm not sporting enough, say i'm not game enough, i dun care....

even if i once had a crush on u, tat's all in the past now~~ ^^
after the viet guy incident, i've once again learnt NOT to trust my heart, thus, even wif a crush, i kinda able to logically analyses and very soon after, crush no more!!!

and having someone tell me they like me is like "ok, thx..and??" kinda thing now....
having toooooooooooo many guys liking me for all the wrong reasons....guess wad? tat's not called like, tat's "LUST"...

if i'm the same me, BUT w/o the Double D, would u still like me the same~?
pls, i'm kind, i'm sweet, if u like me for those reasons only, i'm not the gal for u...

like me even when i'm being mean and cranky, only than, u're worthy of my sweet and gentle side~

There has been a situation!!!
A guy whom a gal used to have a crush on, told her tat if nobody wants her he'll be her bf....
The problem here is, she have finally managed to convince herself to believe that he'll never like her as more than a fren...and suddenly this happens....

Not knowing how or wad to do, she decided to take it is juz a joke...but then again, the guy told her after tat at nothing he said was meant to be a joke...so, basically the gal is stuck not knowing was to do, or even was to believe..and ended up she doesn't know how to even talk to tat guy anymore, cuz well, she still likes him..
And now, she is made to believe tat she has made him angry cuz she said she'll take tat as a joke...

i'm falling really sick AGAIN!!!!!!
think i had a high fever lastnite, cuz i was mweeping and moaning so loud till i woke myself up ard 3am......and after tat, it's on and off, not much sleep....

no body's aching all over, feeling really unwell, yet, i'm in the office..cuz i see no point seeing a doc when i already have the meds, and somemore, i dun wanna be spending too much on doc for these few mths....

22 more days to my shoot....hope i'll recover by then...

Planning FAILED

Yea...I totally failed in planning for today's shoot...end up, TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!
Not only I made the three if them hike the muddy path, which some fall over few times, we end up not having any shoot at all...at least Arella have quite a few photos taken....
And I manage to sprain my ankle, which, I can only say serve me right..

My only photos are camwhore pic frm my phone, which, it's also a lot lesser than usual camwhore session...for totally no mood...

I tried, I did, but sometimes somethings trying juz ain't enough

Sigh...yea, I tried to be normal, tried to be more of a social person..tried to be less angry, tried to love, tried to forget, tried to live life as supposed to be....

Tried to love, and failed badly, for it isn't in my nature to do so, which made me not know how to love...and I end up pushing those ppl even further away frm me...
Tried to be normal...but juz as a crazy person can never fully be normal, I can't either...when I'm ill, when I get too pissed off as something, I tend to revisit old ways...be it force vomit, or scratch till I almost tear my skin, till it almost bleed, or simply starve myself for no reason other than bcuz I'm angry...
And even though knowing I HAVE to talk to someone, but it seems I have no one I talk to....they are juz kids, who have their own troubles, and haven't even been through even half of was I had, so to talk to them about these is like talking einstein since to Adam and eve...they would not understand 90% of was I'm saying, and such topics are boring to even listen to...

So, I can only write it out here....
I wouldn't even post such thing here, unless I have to....and I'm doin so now is bcuz I feel like if I dun let some of the things out, i'll end up scaring myself again....and currently, there is nothing or me to hold on to, not even false hopes...