I can feel the ripples forming among the calmness within, it's balance shifting. Will this boil over soon, just like how it has always been in the past? But something felt different, something's off this time round. Can't quite put my finger on it, just felt like it's slightly different this time round.

And what's worst, I'm very certain that when the day comes when I finally lost control of my very own mind, no one will notice anything until it's far too late.
But there he is, putting a voice in my head, telling me to breath and remain clam, even if i can't relax my mind, at least remember to breath. There are still things he wants me to see and experience before the time for him to take my hand comes. There are the cherry blossom and the snow, and after that, the last on the list would be the northern lights.

All in all, I'm tired. Tired of hoping, tired of hating and running and keeping people away. Sick of waking up everyday knowing death has yet to come for me, tired of knowing the light in me is long gone and it's not coming back.

Everyone thinks I'm living a freaking perfect life, not a worry in the world, and am super blessed to be born with great sex appeal. What do they know about my life?

Great sex appeal? Nice body confidence?? Do they even know how much I hated this body of mine? Do they even know I was raped even before I was 6, and molested by my mother's boyfriend when I was 18, and after letting my parents know, the only reply I got was "So?". It's was like I am the one asking to be raped and harassed, and that I have only myself to blame for everything that has happened.

What a sweet smile I have? When I was 10, the school made a complain to my parents that I was a trouble child, when all I did was wanting people to leave me alone not causing any sort of trouble. After which I practiced smiling for so long, and next thing I knew was another complain came form the school, this time it was to say that I'm a very fake person and that fake smile of mine gives people the creeps, and that I should stop scaring people who are trying to be friendly towards me.

I have a good life with my parents giving me financial support? When I was 14, I had to pay for my own school fees, and never ever did I ask my parents for extra money, even when I wasn't allowed to work, I make do with whatever lunch money I get to pay off my school and exam fees. About 6 years back when I was outta job, I ended up modeling for lingerie shoot even after knowing the "photographer" is nothing but a mere pervert with a camera and no photographic skills at all, and was even considering selling sex if the money from the photoshoot isn't enough to pay the bills.

Though I well know that things are not all that bad, as there are many out there who have it worst than me, but for people who didn't have to worry about anything at all, and have everything provided for all the way till they graduated from university, to tell me that I have a better life than them, and that they envy the life I have.

Nostalgia

Crowded places = HELL NO
It appears that I am "allergic" to being in places with too many people, it drains my energy to the point that I would sleep for an average of 18 hours the next day.

But that's beside the point. Saturday shopping trip at Orchard did bring back quite a few memories, where I used to work, where I used to hang out etc.
And it HAS been some time since I last went out on my own, though it felt kinda weird at first, but it ended up being quite decent (if not for the crowd, it would even be enjoyable i would say).
Met up with old friends after shopping for dinner, and I'm thankful that his friends were around as well, so things weren't so awkward between us after all. By the looks of thing, it appears that he has given up on trying to win me over, which is a good thing.
As someone with a history of depression, and might be currently coping with anxiety, I can say for certain that things will not last even if we were to be together.

I've came to accept that I'm meant to live and die alone, for that is only right for someone like me. The type of guy who can be with me do not exist, for a good guy do not deserve someone as broken as me, they have every right to be with someone who's so much better in every way.

I have found my soulmate, in death I shall reunite with him. 
It's funny how death happens to be the one who taught me about life, and also the one who helped me with my self-harm tendencies.

希望がある?

The path ahead feels increasingly unpleasant with every passing second.
Everything looks bleak and gloomy, the surrounding emitting nothing but ominous vibes.
Trying to find other paths is futile, for the world is being engulfed in darkness, whichever path I chose will make no difference.

I am, but a drifter and a hermit. Maybe that's all I am, nothing more.
Friends, families, companionship, they are but fleeting illusions.
Nothing ever stays, neither people, nor objects.
But like me, the scenes are ever changing, though we remain as we were as before.

Light's fading fast, and soon long forgotten.
And all that is left to embrace are the earth and darkness that remained behind.
I take a step forward, despite the lingering fear within me.
Readying myself for the plunge into deep abyss.