I can feel the ripples forming among the calmness within, it's balance shifting. Will this boil over soon, just like how it has always been in the past? But something felt different, something's off this time round. Can't quite put my finger on it, just felt like it's slightly different this time round.

And what's worst, I'm very certain that when the day comes when I finally lost control of my very own mind, no one will notice anything until it's far too late.
But there he is, putting a voice in my head, telling me to breath and remain clam, even if i can't relax my mind, at least remember to breath. There are still things he wants me to see and experience before the time for him to take my hand comes. There are the cherry blossom and the snow, and after that, the last on the list would be the northern lights.

All in all, I'm tired. Tired of hoping, tired of hating and running and keeping people away. Sick of waking up everyday knowing death has yet to come for me, tired of knowing the light in me is long gone and it's not coming back.

Everyone thinks I'm living a freaking perfect life, not a worry in the world, and am super blessed to be born with great sex appeal. What do they know about my life?

Great sex appeal? Nice body confidence?? Do they even know how much I hated this body of mine? Do they even know I was raped even before I was 6, and molested by my mother's boyfriend when I was 18, and after letting my parents know, the only reply I got was "So?". It's was like I am the one asking to be raped and harassed, and that I have only myself to blame for everything that has happened.

What a sweet smile I have? When I was 10, the school made a complain to my parents that I was a trouble child, when all I did was wanting people to leave me alone not causing any sort of trouble. After which I practiced smiling for so long, and next thing I knew was another complain came form the school, this time it was to say that I'm a very fake person and that fake smile of mine gives people the creeps, and that I should stop scaring people who are trying to be friendly towards me.

I have a good life with my parents giving me financial support? When I was 14, I had to pay for my own school fees, and never ever did I ask my parents for extra money, even when I wasn't allowed to work, I make do with whatever lunch money I get to pay off my school and exam fees. About 6 years back when I was outta job, I ended up modeling for lingerie shoot even after knowing the "photographer" is nothing but a mere pervert with a camera and no photographic skills at all, and was even considering selling sex if the money from the photoshoot isn't enough to pay the bills.

Though I well know that things are not all that bad, as there are many out there who have it worst than me, but for people who didn't have to worry about anything at all, and have everything provided for all the way till they graduated from university, to tell me that I have a better life than them, and that they envy the life I have.