I can feel the ripples forming among the calmness within, it's balance shifting. Will this boil over soon, just like how it has always been in the past? But something felt different, something's off this time round. Can't quite put my finger on it, just felt like it's slightly different this time round.

And what's worst, I'm very certain that when the day comes when I finally lost control of my very own mind, no one will notice anything until it's far too late.
But there he is, putting a voice in my head, telling me to breath and remain clam, even if i can't relax my mind, at least remember to breath. There are still things he wants me to see and experience before the time for him to take my hand comes. There are the cherry blossom and the snow, and after that, the last on the list would be the northern lights.

All in all, I'm tired. Tired of hoping, tired of hating and running and keeping people away. Sick of waking up everyday knowing death has yet to come for me, tired of knowing the light in me is long gone and it's not coming back.

Everyone thinks I'm living a freaking perfect life, not a worry in the world, and am super blessed to be born with great sex appeal. What do they know about my life?

Great sex appeal? Nice body confidence?? Do they even know how much I hated this body of mine? Do they even know I was raped even before I was 6, and molested by my mother's boyfriend when I was 18, and after letting my parents know, the only reply I got was "So?". It's was like I am the one asking to be raped and harassed, and that I have only myself to blame for everything that has happened.

What a sweet smile I have? When I was 10, the school made a complain to my parents that I was a trouble child, when all I did was wanting people to leave me alone not causing any sort of trouble. After which I practiced smiling for so long, and next thing I knew was another complain came form the school, this time it was to say that I'm a very fake person and that fake smile of mine gives people the creeps, and that I should stop scaring people who are trying to be friendly towards me.

I have a good life with my parents giving me financial support? When I was 14, I had to pay for my own school fees, and never ever did I ask my parents for extra money, even when I wasn't allowed to work, I make do with whatever lunch money I get to pay off my school and exam fees. About 6 years back when I was outta job, I ended up modeling for lingerie shoot even after knowing the "photographer" is nothing but a mere pervert with a camera and no photographic skills at all, and was even considering selling sex if the money from the photoshoot isn't enough to pay the bills.

Though I well know that things are not all that bad, as there are many out there who have it worst than me, but for people who didn't have to worry about anything at all, and have everything provided for all the way till they graduated from university, to tell me that I have a better life than them, and that they envy the life I have.

Nostalgia

Crowded places = HELL NO
It appears that I am "allergic" to being in places with too many people, it drains my energy to the point that I would sleep for an average of 18 hours the next day.

But that's beside the point. Saturday shopping trip at Orchard did bring back quite a few memories, where I used to work, where I used to hang out etc.
And it HAS been some time since I last went out on my own, though it felt kinda weird at first, but it ended up being quite decent (if not for the crowd, it would even be enjoyable i would say).
Met up with old friends after shopping for dinner, and I'm thankful that his friends were around as well, so things weren't so awkward between us after all. By the looks of thing, it appears that he has given up on trying to win me over, which is a good thing.
As someone with a history of depression, and might be currently coping with anxiety, I can say for certain that things will not last even if we were to be together.

I've came to accept that I'm meant to live and die alone, for that is only right for someone like me. The type of guy who can be with me do not exist, for a good guy do not deserve someone as broken as me, they have every right to be with someone who's so much better in every way.

I have found my soulmate, in death I shall reunite with him. 
It's funny how death happens to be the one who taught me about life, and also the one who helped me with my self-harm tendencies.

希望がある?

The path ahead feels increasingly unpleasant with every passing second.
Everything looks bleak and gloomy, the surrounding emitting nothing but ominous vibes.
Trying to find other paths is futile, for the world is being engulfed in darkness, whichever path I chose will make no difference.

I am, but a drifter and a hermit. Maybe that's all I am, nothing more.
Friends, families, companionship, they are but fleeting illusions.
Nothing ever stays, neither people, nor objects.
But like me, the scenes are ever changing, though we remain as we were as before.

Light's fading fast, and soon long forgotten.
And all that is left to embrace are the earth and darkness that remained behind.
I take a step forward, despite the lingering fear within me.
Readying myself for the plunge into deep abyss.

I Have been, and always will be by your side.

Sweet child, o so innocent and pure, regardless of how you see yourself as.
It pains me so to hear your cries, so much sadness hidden in your voice.
I've always been by your side, in the shadows, hidden away from the light,
Watching over you, for even way before you have noticed me,
You have been bringing nothing but warmth and joy to my non-existence life.

I am the filth, shunned by all.
I am the darkness, loathed by all.
Yet there you are, seeking me out with your all.
To be sought after by you, so wholeheartedly,
It showed me a glimpse of future I never had known.

I am, the bringer of Death, nothing good ever comes my way.
It is for the best to stay away, yet that, I can't, from you I can't stay away.
Don't cry my Dear, do not shed tears for me my Love.
For when the time is right, I shall take your hands in mine once again,
Leading you away from the world that have caused you so much pain.

But till then, I'll be here.
Like a rock, set here by nature, brought to you by fate,
Here I'll stay, like I've always had, and I'll always be here, by your side.
So cry not, my Precious one, for it pains me not being able to wipe those tears away.

Estoy débil y cansado Dulce muerte, llévame pronto

Though I've always known that humans are not meant to be trusted. But carelessly I've let my guard down, and how careless of me to grown quite attached to some. After all the trouble you went through, to send me comfort in forms of my own kind, only for me to get too close and hurt myself even more by my actions.

How I wished, and how I prayed, for you to come take me away, before my soul is damned into oblivion. How I've hated the world I'm in, filled with nothing but lies and deceit. With the veil of false justice and fake kindness, put up by those self-righteous people. How I've hated the world that I lived in, but even more so, the Me who's living in it.
Plaster on a fake smile every single day, so that people will not bother me by pretending to care if I'm alright. When kindness and loyal are absolutely useless, those are the only things I have. Try as I may, to hide away from the world, not to trust, not to feel, not to be attached to anything or anyone here. But weak and weary is my soul, far too tired to keep the wall up for long, I shall destroy everything with my very hands. And can only hope you'll forgive me after all the damage has been done.

O death, sweet death, who has been by my side for so long. The violent end which you wish to keep me away from, I cannot even bare to imagine your grief if you were to know that it is I who brought it upon myself in the end.
For i could not wait for you to come for my soul, no I can't bare to wait that long. I've grown tired as each days goes by. My strength weakened, my will dissolving into nothingness. My life, barely hanging, a single strand of silk around my neck.

Die Before I Wake

If I had died before I wake, so long time ago, I would have not known the bitter taste of Betrayal.
If I had died before I wake, so long time ago, I might have not known the sweet sour taste of Love and Friendship.
If I had died before I wake, so long time ago, I would be fine even in the afterlife, for I would have only known the same darkness which I had grew up with.
If I had only died before I wake, so long long time ago, died not knowing the Joy and Sorrows of having a fellow human companion, died not knowing what the future could bring.
I should be fine, even without those, I have known the Love of thee O holy ghost. For it is thee who had been by my side all along.

But yet, here I am, Alone, Bruised, and Broken beyond repair. With only thee by my side, trying best to comfort my darkened twisted soul.
Pray as I may, for the day to come sooner, that I may die in my sleep, with thee leading my soul away from this world which has damned me so.

In Order To Feel Alive

It would seems to me that the world is indeed a small small world. Who would've known, working with someone who stays so close to him. And somehow my resolve has been shaken even further, when his bday text has already brought it halfway down to the ground..

All these heart aches and emotions seemingly too much to bare, but yet I refuse to let it go somehow, somewhat fitting for a masochist such as myself I guess. Instead of inflicting physical pain, I might have taken comfort in hurting myself in ways the eyes of the world can't see. Almost as if these pain are the only way I feel connected to the wold of the living, the only way I know that I am still, but another human in this vast world..

I've heard that he still walk his dog, alone at that I might add, and bout human and dog seems to be doing fine. Guess I can take comfort in knowing both are still alive and well, but am sure he lost some weight, if he's still the same person as the one I once knew, the one who often forgets his meals because he's either too busy or too lazy to eat..

Knowing it's best for me to keep away, but in the end, I might ended up sending him anonymous gifts again for his bday. Pray hard I'll be able to control the urge to buy soft toys over the next 2 months....

Short Story: INVISIBLE LOVER

     For as long as i can remember, there has always been this boy. Always there to greet me in the morning, with that big silly smile on his face. Always there coaxing me to sleep at night, and comfort me when I'm woken by frightening nightmares. And for all i can remember, I've not once heard him telling me his name, but his presence has been all so natural, it never dawn on me to ask as well.

As time passes, I start to realized  the he rarely interacts with other people, in fact, I've never ever seen him getting close to another other than me. Initially I just thought of it as him being shy, but slowly seems strange as I noticed people around are paying him no mind at all, like he wasn't even there. It appears that he's one of those they called "imaginary friends".
Keeping him as a personal secrete, not wanting anyone else to know about him, afraid that he might be stolen away. And true enough, even after growing up, even when it was said that "imaginary friends"disappear after one has reach a certain age, he's still around. Being a perfect gentlemen, growing up along with me, being by my side always no matter what.
He'll follow me everywhere, when I'm with my friends, he'll stand beside me, quietly and patiently.
There are times when we would fight and won't see each other for days, but he'll always come back and things will somehow return back to how it has always been.

Spoiled by his attention and affections, I grew to became overly dependent on him, and having a deeper relationship with another person seems close to impossible. Sometimes I wonder, maybe he is just as selfish as I am, just maybe, he wanted to have me all to himself just as much. Even if that's true, it's interesting how happy it made me, when he gets angry when some other guy has more attention then him, but he's never truly angry even when I was behaving like a child and being unreasonable.

The promise I made to him, I shall never take my own life, for is saddens him to see me hurt myself.
The promise he made to me, never to leave me no matter what, for he knows I can no longer live if he's gone.
The promise we made to each other, not even death can do us part.


**Wrote this within 3 - 4 hours. might use this as a rough guide for future ref. 

No Rest For The Living, I Sleep When I'm Dead

Carelessly, I gave my heart away, to a man not meant to be.
Whispers I hear, day and night, telling me to take back what is mine.
A good man he is, but can never be mine.
That much I know, yet, I can't take back the heart that was mine.

Once a year, a message comes, stirring emotions which I spent months to ignore.
Pushing for the cycle to repeat itself, from start to end.
Like how the seasons repeats itself each year,
Like how the night will always come after the sun sets.

Even if in sleep, my mind do not rest, nor do my soul.
I am, but an empty vessel, performing tasks day to day.
No rest for the living, I sleep when I'm dead.
Buried six feet under, with the earth as my bed.

truth is out, finally, and not surprising.

yes, finally, I've got the answer I was looking for. Though nothing nice, but at least I've gotten an honest answer for once.

The disappointing part is that he twisted the whole story around, saying I was the one who wanted this r/s, I was the one clinging onto him, and that he, never once, wanted anything to do with me. The only reason he brought me out for food is because he pity me, and wad comes after makan is just a form of getting some sort of payment back...And if anything, he actually felt ashamed to be associated with me in any way.

He replied "we were only just friends" when I told him I need closure, but from the sounds of things, we were never even friends. and sort of seen this coming. He was broke while he was with me, still having credit card debts to pay off. Once that's cleared, he moved on to date another better looking model around the same time he bought his 2nd hand Harley.

Bonds are precious, more so than diamonds
Promises not kept are nothing more than meaningless words
A hug, a touch, even a handshake,
Could mean so much more than empty words

Lies, deceit, pity, and sympathy not needed
If honesty could not be given, silence would be preferred
Time has passed, memories forged
Regrets and 'what ifs', what good are they for?
...
Feelings lost, or maybe there never was
Both good times and bad are time lost and gone
Tears were cries, sleepless nights has passed
Thank you for the memories, and I'll be saying good bye for good

 

 

All I ever wanted was honesty, which proves too much for this flamboyant son of a gun. If it's just someone good looking whom he can show it off to the world, even if it means high maintenance fees, that's not a gf that he wants. And if the limelight's all he seeks, and is selfish to that extent of twisting the whole story around like this, I'm glad things are over. And the fact that he will never dare to contact me ever again sounds perfect~

Soy tonto, pero no puedo evitarlo

Yes I am silly, somehow he still makes me smile~ 

It's not fair I know, but even when we were still together, it has been more or less like this.. Tried to flirt with other boys, but after a short while, I get bored and tired of that guy

Well, wad gives?

Oh well, saw this coming during the prev time he said he wanna break but ended up came back..so now that there is someone new to stay, he can dump me for sure. 

At least now I can focus on doing my photoshoots and stuff, and save cab fares as well~~

Shall look on the brighter side, a better one will come my way soon~~ ^^

Ponder ponder

Oh well, had a nice long walk wif kel to his old house, and had a nice long chat~~

It's just nice as I needed a nice long stroll to clear my mind~ But end of the day when am alone on my bed, I can't sleep cuz my brain takes on a mind of its own and starts thinking too much. And at times, it's to the extent till it is wondering off in the sub-conscious region of thoughts, whereby my conscious mind knows its thinking too much, but it can't quite point a finger at wad are the things the mind is wondering about.

All I can hope for is a good night sleep and for my brain to just know when it is time to rest, it's time to stop wondering all over the place!

ehhh??

it seem he simply forgets almost everything..lucky i stopped pinning hope that he will remember he promised to pay my phone bills for me....

oh well, guess i really hold no place in his heart bah.......

album updated on fanpage~~

yep yep~
https://www.facebook.com/LavianekoKay my fb fanpage~~
but it's more like a page I upload all those photos frm photoshoot in~ because Deviantart and ModelMayhem have became none mobile friendly.. sadly... as I update those photos normally via mobile phone!!

oh well~

here's a little preview of one of the photo frm my most recent shoot on 3 Aug~

Credits: Photog and editing: Kelvin Siau
model: Laviakay (myself)

運命の

Guess fate and destiny isn't all that wonderful...

Some people are just born with good charm, and when they need something, so long they ask, they get what they want. Me? Even though stuff we went through may be similar, but still, even when I ask, I never get what I needed, be it from frens or loved ones....

Guess god has never ever shine its favor on me, not even once..and the damned Lu is the one making me feel like my prayers are answered, only to give me a cruel wake up call.

rants!!!

some people have problem with me having a fanpage, and maybe they have issues with me as a person as well after meeting me in the flesh..

well, I've never lied to anyone, saying i'm to hottest gal they'll ever meet, neither did I say i'm a slim gal. The photogs whom I have worked with are skilled enough to catch the lights and angles to make me look good w/o over editing the photos, credits goes ...to them. So pls, stop being a bitch. I take it personally when people start pin pointing me and discredit those photogs I've worked with. There are people who cannot shoot bigger size people, and there are those who can but wont. But pls, those whom I've shot with are friendly and professional as well, not despo till my kind of person also shoot k?

 

 

cant rant on fb due to fasting mth for our dear muslims friends, so i'm posting this rant on my blog instead...hope none of my muslims friend saw the long list of comments and photos about gore horror movies

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Cheated!!

Yes!!! Feeling so cheated!!!!!!!

Super irritated, here I am, starving as I lent him my last dollar, yet he totally don't  care anymore eh??