tml's gonna b his Bday......and he's gonna celebrate it.....w/o inviting me......
even though i'm happy tat we are still frens.....but sometimes i think.......
........i dunno anything.......it's like we are frens.......but u can have anything to do wif me other than me gettin my tattoo done at your house only......u wont have a drink, lunch or dinner wif me...sayin tat u're busy......but u have plenty of time to go out wif your other frens....plenty of time to get to know a new gf..........and u must be thinking tat i'm sounding jealous......yes i am.....but more than tat.....i'm pissed....!!!!
it's you who says tat we're still fens, in fact...."i treat u as one of my close fren....." are those exact words......than y this......????
are you tat afraid to hang out wif me..????
afraid tat u might not be able to control you feelings or your lust...??????
i mean come on lah.....all of your past gf are alot more better looking than me.....better figure compared to me....even your newest one oso the same........so wad are u afraid of......?????
or mayb tat's the reason y you wont hang out wif me......cuz i'm not gd enough to b standing bside you.????
wadeva it is.......... dun care anymore..........

guess i'm destined for a life of solitude......as it would seems to me tat ALL of my so-called frens no longer wanna have anything to do wif me anymore..........or rather.....i'm juz a back-up.....
so tat when all of their frens are busy, than they would think of me.........thinking tat the gal wif no life at all surely would have time to hang out..............
i really DO NOT wish to think so negatively.......but frm everything i'm seeing now.....it would only seems to be so.............

freaking tired but can't sleep (again).......sigh........
was kinda pissed off juz now but than....nvm alreadi....
most ppl who read this shit here kinda knows tat i write poetry........(i think..)
but i might be writing songs for my fren's band soon.....if all goes well...
he has yet to talk to the rest of his band members....and they have yet to see wad kinda stuff i write..........
if all goes well........things are s gonna rock~!!!!!! xD
^^

haha..colours done~ for 1 of the flower on my tattoo.....so left 1 more flower, 2 koi fish, 3 petals, and maybe the waves as well.......hmmmmmmm....think another 2-3 more session should be done~
and i can have my photoshoot~~~ ^^
actually more could be done, but cuz my artist dunno did wad the day b4 my appt, end up he's very tired, so ofcuz, ink-ing process was a little slower...(but for a super tired tattooist, it's kinda fast already.....and if i hadn't ask for so many breaks in between, think really could've finish the 3 petals too..;p)
oh ya....talkin bout this........
gotta go link up the photographer to my tattooist on Facebook.....cuz somehow, when i mention tat i wanna have a photoshoot (mainly about my tattoo..;p), he said he wanna be there as well....
(ok....told him i'm gonna Most Likely do naked or half naked shoots already....lucky it's him, if it were some other person, sure, NO WAY dude.....;p)
and he did give some suggestion as to wad i can do oso instead of juz shooting indoors....luv him soooooooo much~~~ ^^
xD

yepi~!!!!!!!
goin for my tattoo appt later~~~~~
but b4 tat i need to go shop for something something...;p
due to the fact tat i dun wear tat unless i'm goin for my tattoo appt, i cant seems to remember where i kept it......and i NEED to wear tat for my appt....so......gonna need to go buy 1 later b4 goin....-,-
haha....there seems to be a mahou behind me and my ink-ing thingy....
cuz i only slept for like 2-3hours and i'm awake enough to do lots of things (for now).....
but it's ok.......since i'll be napping while he's ink-ing me anyways~~ ;p

hahaha.....tanoshii zo~~~~~~~ xD

hiaz....now i need to depend on pills juz to get some Zzzzzzz....-.-
dunno y but it seems to have the habit of refusing to sleep whenever i have huge mood swings...
(or rather, when i'm seriously not in a gd mood...)
wonder where i picked up this kinda self abusing habit......??????
(actually think i noe the reason behind it all.....juz dun wanna face or recall it....tat's all)

kns.......-.-

hai hai~!!!!
am working on short story rite now.....juz hope tat i manage to keep it short though, as my "short stories tend to turn into kinda short novel instead...;p
everything else is a secret till i'm halfway through wif it, Than, maybe, i might reveal a little bit of it here....^^

and think tat's about all there is to the gd part of this post.....so wad now..???
as usual.....me gonna go on and on about how life sucks.....!!
nah~
today wasn't tat bad at all tat i have anything to complain...nothing regarding work or fren, except 1.....sigh......happens tat this guy whom i have a crush on (i think) got to know of a new gal very recently.....and it seems tat he's happier goin out wif her than me....(maybe i hang out wif him WAY TOO often till he feels bored already...)
and wad pissed me off really is tat he posted on MSN tat he's happy goin out wif her but is very tierd now.....
wth......sigh.....i noe i'm juz a one sided thingy....and he oso keep emphasizing tat he's not interested in relationship rite now.......
but gd for me......the more i know about him......the lesser i wanna be wif him.....cannot stand his ego sometimes......and i still think my previous luv (note tat it's not previous Crush....big diff..!) is way cutter even though they are both very similar.....maybe it's the age diff...this crush is the same age as me, while my previous love was, hmmm, 6-7 yr older....;p
kk..enough for now.....gotta get back to my short story b4 inspiration goes somewhere else to play...;p

didnt go work....cuz seriously dun think i can do anything in my current state......
i'm simply fucked up rite now......juz wanna dig my eyeo out, or juz cut myself....i'm kinda banned frm doing those things......eventhough ppl say it's best to leave me alone, but at times like these, i'm dangerous if being left alone.....i need someone to be there beside me, dun have to say or do anything (actually it's best they be that way)...juz be by my side, at most hold me for abit, till my darkness fades away.....for i have the habit of putting up a brave front when ppl are ard.....even though i'm getting a little tired of acting strong and as if everything dun matter, when the fact is that iit's hurting like shit....
off my phone, for i do not want anyone to be calling and ask "what happened..??"
for that's something even i do not have the answer to, and being asked that would only make things worst...immune system down too.....for everything juz suddenly got worst when i'm already halfway through recovery....
oh ya....and there's another thing i do not wish to hear, not now, not in this state...
"pls take care..!"......it's words of concern, yes i know.....but those words oso send me on a guilt trip somewhere.....it's like i'm not very used to having ppl worry about me.....cuz ever since young, no one ever does.....except for him....but than again...he's not really a person, once were, but not anymore......and he's always there by my side....that's why i get better real soon, and my darkness dun last long......
now tat i need someone to be by my side, who can i call..!?
no one.........not a fucking person......everyone's busy wif something........and they do not have time to entertain my shits, yes i know......tat's y i dun even ask........tat's y i now only have me and my itoshii no tenshi, kurosaki, to help me rid my ego frm the abyss.........
beloved tenshi.....it would've been great if you were alive as a human, like me...if so, my search would've ended, and that my souls would've been more stable........
suddenly i feel so pathetic....this has become the ONLY place to pour my hearts out.....and the only reason for this is that cuz i only have very few ppl reading this......
well.....even if no one ever reads this at all...it's all fine by me....for it has really become my online personal dairy..-.-

sigh.....juz remembered today's 15 april..!!111
Lamb of God's @ today.....omfg.....if only i could go.......
sigh......miracle dun happen twice....having the chance to go for Placebo should be gd enough...
should really cherish the memory of that day....cuz dun think i will be goin for any concert again soon.....for i'm juz a freaking sever, nothing else, shouldn't be wishing for anymore "free" concert...
lucky enough tat my manager suggested me as one of those to bring to da concert to the boss that time.......thus.....that should be enough......i even got to invite 2of my fren along.....wad more can i ask for rite....should be satisfied...if not than i'm becoming the humans i so loathed, so hated in the past........

SUDDEN EMO ATTACK!!!!
dunno y but ya..it's the whole "my life is meaningless, can i juz die!?" shit again....-.-
suddenly felt like nothing's real, not even frens ard me....for i do not know anything anymore..
it's like many of them will say "i miss you"...but who are the ones who really do..!?
when i do not have time for them, it always seems like it's my fault....
but when i have the time, it seems like i'm the only idiot who doesn't have a life or anything to do...
and ppl who knows me kinda know i don't really ask ppl out....i mean like what's the point if i ask ppl out..!! when my rejection rate is like 98%......why even bother ppl when you know their answer is NO...!?
sigh................i shouldn't have made frens in the 1st place.....than can live as i did in the past....at least won't hurt like this......if so.....maybe "he" would still be ard.....at least he is all i need in the past, for he knows me best, and i'm most comfortable wif him since he's the one who watched me grew up........even when noone can see him, or even belives that he exists, he's all i need.........and he will always be there for me, wif no complains...or wad-so-eva......
gd nite world, and may i pray tat i do not wake.....
a prayer which will not be answered nevertheless......

my body is really f**ked up.......juz few days time it has kinda gotten used to the meds....
so now the meds are not as effective as it was in making me go to sleep.....*sigh*......
and tat's the reason y i always wait till i'm so sick that it really REALLY feels terrible b4 seeing a doc......cuz chances are tat my body wont react to wadever meds the doc give me unless i'm super duper weak.......
and tat's also the reason y i have the tendency to overdose on meds......it's not a gd thing, but when i dun feel the meds taking effect, i juz can't help but to up the dosage...
and suddenly, i'm feeling emo again cuz med dun seems to be working anymore.......
and the urge to finish off the fever tab is quite strong.......think it's not working well cuz it's weaker than muscle relaxant...........of which i had an accidental overdose on and causing me to be immune to most paracetamol......-.-
if i really finish off the remaining 12tabs, dun think anything would even happen....lols...

hmmmm....it's strange how i can be sick for 6-9mth b4 feeling like dying and finally go see a doc in the past and now..it only takes 2wks...-,-
wth.....
my body has becomed TAT weak.....haiz......
speechless.........
i wonder is it due to the fact tat i'm workin in the nite life now, or is it due to the prolonged effect of my self-abuse habits...???
hmmmmmm..........nvm.....
think i'm really liking some1 some1 now......thinks he knows it as well.....
but we are nothing more than frens now....and i wan it to remain tat way for now......
till i can be sure tat i like him cuz i like him, not cuz he's very much similar to some1 else...
in other words......i dun wish him to bcome some1 else's shadow........

HATES IT when ppl keep saying tat no one will know how they feel...
haiz....y do they have to think tat way....WHY..!!????
YES, I'M EASY TO READ AS AN OPEN BOOK WIF FREAKING BIG FRONTS.....but tat doesn't mean tat ppl knows wad i'm feeling too wad.....tat even worst rite......like you're already so readable, yet, there's still noone who truly understands you.......ppl might know tat i'm in a gd mood or in a foul mood.......but how many knows the reason behind it........how many knows wad emotions running this empty body, with nothing but blood tat flows for it's yet to be dried, and a heart tat beats for the sake of beating only, and not to sustain life....
dunno y but when i hear some ppl saying tat, my heart juz achs....like wtf!?....dun even noe y the hell is my heart aching.......is it cuz it's thinking "i'm here for u, i wanna know how u feel, but it's juz tat u wont let me, so i'm sad" kinda thingy.....
or is it cuz it's being reminded tat the same goes for it......noone will ever noe how it feels, no matter wad..
haiz......dunno, dun care, dun bother, dun wanna touch it..........