Seems to me that everyone around me is in good hands, finally.

When will it be my turn? When will he finally make true to his promise?
Am going to Japan next year, so don't think he'll come anytime before my trip though...

Friend told me to stop cursing myself, but if cursing helps, I would long be dead and reunited with he whom I've been longing for.
No self harm, no self inflicted death... guess that means other then dying a natural death, accidents and death by black magic are also under his ruling? But for some reason, it seems that he has taken measures to assure that at least the death by black magic part will not happen....

oh well, just another day of living to deal with, another day of waking up disappointed that he has yet to come for me....

Sometimes it's best to not see those that aren't intended to be known, let whatever is hidden behind the veil remain hidden, among the darkness, unseen by most.
Ever repeating cycle, same old thing happening over and over and over again, never ending, ever changing. Till when will this wheel finally stop turning? Till when will it finally fall?
With turmoil and paranoia boiling deep within, only the smile that hides it all remain the same.

When will it be too much? Too far? When will it be considered beyond salvation?
Though salvation isn't what she seek, instead, it's something beyond that that she's trying to reach.
For when one willingly falls into insanity, that being the only lifeline, the only way she has, to cling onto whatever sanity she has left, is when one realized she truly has no one, no ally, no friend, in this world of the living. It is when she sees the truth for what it is, that she is meant to be alone for all eternity.

Embraced by darkness so pure, not a hint of light can pierce through, she won't even have her shadow to comfort her.
Embraced by darkness so tainted and twisted, she no longer tremble in fear, for she has long forgotten what "light" is, nor does she remembers what "hope" feels like anymore.

At times, I really think I should be more greedy, expect more from others, expect much more from the world. Maybe, just maybe, then I will no longer be alone.

But than what it would means is that I would have to make an effort to EXPECT something from people, which will be too troublesome actually.

...

...

3 more years to go... Hopefully death will finally take my hand then...
If he would bring forward the promised date, the sooner the better it would be..

I can feel the ripples forming among the calmness within, it's balance shifting. Will this boil over soon, just like how it has always been in the past? But something felt different, something's off this time round. Can't quite put my finger on it, just felt like it's slightly different this time round.

And what's worst, I'm very certain that when the day comes when I finally lost control of my very own mind, no one will notice anything until it's far too late.
But there he is, putting a voice in my head, telling me to breath and remain clam, even if i can't relax my mind, at least remember to breath. There are still things he wants me to see and experience before the time for him to take my hand comes. There are the cherry blossom and the snow, and after that, the last on the list would be the northern lights.

All in all, I'm tired. Tired of hoping, tired of hating and running and keeping people away. Sick of waking up everyday knowing death has yet to come for me, tired of knowing the light in me is long gone and it's not coming back.

Everyone thinks I'm living a freaking perfect life, not a worry in the world, and am super blessed to be born with great sex appeal. What do they know about my life?

Great sex appeal? Nice body confidence?? Do they even know how much I hated this body of mine? Do they even know I was raped even before I was 6, and molested by my mother's boyfriend when I was 18, and after letting my parents know, the only reply I got was "So?". It's was like I am the one asking to be raped and harassed, and that I have only myself to blame for everything that has happened.

What a sweet smile I have? When I was 10, the school made a complain to my parents that I was a trouble child, when all I did was wanting people to leave me alone not causing any sort of trouble. After which I practiced smiling for so long, and next thing I knew was another complain came form the school, this time it was to say that I'm a very fake person and that fake smile of mine gives people the creeps, and that I should stop scaring people who are trying to be friendly towards me.

I have a good life with my parents giving me financial support? When I was 14, I had to pay for my own school fees, and never ever did I ask my parents for extra money, even when I wasn't allowed to work, I make do with whatever lunch money I get to pay off my school and exam fees. About 6 years back when I was outta job, I ended up modeling for lingerie shoot even after knowing the "photographer" is nothing but a mere pervert with a camera and no photographic skills at all, and was even considering selling sex if the money from the photoshoot isn't enough to pay the bills.

Though I well know that things are not all that bad, as there are many out there who have it worst than me, but for people who didn't have to worry about anything at all, and have everything provided for all the way till they graduated from university, to tell me that I have a better life than them, and that they envy the life I have.

Nostalgia

Crowded places = HELL NO
It appears that I am "allergic" to being in places with too many people, it drains my energy to the point that I would sleep for an average of 18 hours the next day.

But that's beside the point. Saturday shopping trip at Orchard did bring back quite a few memories, where I used to work, where I used to hang out etc.
And it HAS been some time since I last went out on my own, though it felt kinda weird at first, but it ended up being quite decent (if not for the crowd, it would even be enjoyable i would say).
Met up with old friends after shopping for dinner, and I'm thankful that his friends were around as well, so things weren't so awkward between us after all. By the looks of thing, it appears that he has given up on trying to win me over, which is a good thing.
As someone with a history of depression, and might be currently coping with anxiety, I can say for certain that things will not last even if we were to be together.

I've came to accept that I'm meant to live and die alone, for that is only right for someone like me. The type of guy who can be with me do not exist, for a good guy do not deserve someone as broken as me, they have every right to be with someone who's so much better in every way.

I have found my soulmate, in death I shall reunite with him. 
It's funny how death happens to be the one who taught me about life, and also the one who helped me with my self-harm tendencies.

希望がある?

The path ahead feels increasingly unpleasant with every passing second.
Everything looks bleak and gloomy, the surrounding emitting nothing but ominous vibes.
Trying to find other paths is futile, for the world is being engulfed in darkness, whichever path I chose will make no difference.

I am, but a drifter and a hermit. Maybe that's all I am, nothing more.
Friends, families, companionship, they are but fleeting illusions.
Nothing ever stays, neither people, nor objects.
But like me, the scenes are ever changing, though we remain as we were as before.

Light's fading fast, and soon long forgotten.
And all that is left to embrace are the earth and darkness that remained behind.
I take a step forward, despite the lingering fear within me.
Readying myself for the plunge into deep abyss.